The PAUSE Exercise
End-of-Life Doula Muscle Training. There’s an exercise I teach in CareDoula® School, the Pause Exercise, that strengthens our listening muscle as end-of-life doulas. I did a little search the other day on the topic of the ‘pause’ when having conversations and I found myself on a fabulous adventure!
It was so nice to languish with all the angles of the study of ‘the pause’ in conversation, in speeches, in deciphering genuine response vs lying … turns out ‘the pause’ is a very popular subject!
I don’t know why I was so surprised by this–the pages and pages of studies about it–given how powerful I know it is with just this one service (end-of-life) used in just this one way (a conversation between 2 people).
If you use it well, It will change everything!
End-of-Life Doula Rapport Building. The pause is a critical skill for us end-of-life service providers especially. Nothing else will ruin a rapport faster with a family we are serving than rushing in with a response too quickly (on any topic really).
When we answer too soon, I can guarantee, the person does not feel really seen nor heard. Too quick of a response feels more like a judgement of what the ‘listener’ feels about the generic topic we are bringing up, NOT a sincere thoughtful unique response to what I have just said about something that is very personal to me.
Do you find this is true for yourself?
How do you feel when you have just shared something personal with someone (and it doesn’t even have to be that deep), and they answer just a little too quickly. Its almost like you can actually sense when they are preparing to say what they are about to say as you are finishing your last couple of syllables.
Do you know what I mean?
Out With The Message & The Messenger. Whatever they are saying back, when it’s too quick, goes right by me. I do not value it. I know their response is not about me. Or even if their reply feels like it may apply, their delivery feels careless and I dont feel a sincere interest from the person.
So either way…
a quick response makes me distrust the message or the messenger, and neither one of these options are good for us as people supporting and caring for families during the dying time.
Let’s Fix This.
The Pause Exercise.
- Notebook. Consider getting a notebook specifically for your ‘communication training’ as an end-of-life doula. You will see over time your progress, what issues come up that stand in your way of really being there for people through focused listening.We can go to all the communication workshops we want and we still need a way to measure our awareness and our progress of how we are holding spaces of reprieve and listening for our families.
We have to practice this regularly, especially if you are not immersed in working with families every day all week long, every week, year in and year out. We have to be intentional about bettering this skill and to better it we need to track it. - One Day/Week. Choose a day of the week each week where you will practice pausing. Commit to pausing before you respond to what someone has said the same amount of seconds every single time, regardless of the situation or circumstance.
- Second Count. Select the amount of seconds you will pause that day. Each day you do this, select different amounts of time.
Every day you do this, notice the issues that surface and the feelings you have. You may be surprised! So many people are floored at what they find out about themselves.
This exercise will help you no matter who you are or what you are doing. But as an End-of-Life Doula Mentor and Educator, I’m most concerned with private practitioners of end-of-life supportive services, because we usually do not have a lot of time when we are working with families. Things are moving too fast.
And many of you all tell me you are new out here in this particular role and need all the ongoing education and awareness training you can get. So here is a great one right here with the Pause Exercise.
Check in with yourself right now. Do you have the support you need right now to do what you are doing? If you do not, consider our monthly membership (cancel anytime). See if this feels good for now.