What to Do at Bedside When Someone Is Dying: Essential Vigil Tips

ByDeanna Flores Cochran

As a longtime hospice nurse, end-of-life doula and teacher of thousands of care providers and families around the world, I’ve sat vigil at countless bedsides. I know how overwhelming it can feel to be there in those final hours—wanting to do something meaningful, but unsure of what that really looks like. In this post, I’ll share the essential actions that bring comfort, dignity, and peace during the dying time.

If you remember just one thing: The best thing you can do for the dying and their family at the bedside is to be calm, grounded, and present yourself—tending gently to their comfort, the atmosphere, and the emotional tone. Be tuned in to the key family members and trust your discernment.

Read on for deeper insight into what all this looks like, how to prepare, and how to serve with love and clarity during one of the most sacred times for the family you are serving. They will remember nearly every detail of this time, so move with thoughtful intention.

Tend to the Dying Person’s Comfort and Environment

Your presence is medicine—but there are also very practical things you can do at the bedside that make an enormous difference. Remember not everyone is comfortable with physical tasks and they may not remember what the hospice nurse said. Some helpful things to do:

  • Moisturize their mouth and lips every couple of hours with swabs or balm
  • Gently clean their hands, nails, face—especially before visits, especially if children are coming
  • Comb their hair and adjust the pillows to support ease and dignity
  • Use light aromatherapy or favorite scents if appropriate
  • Keep the room softly lit with natural light or low lamps
  • Play familiar or calming sounds, if welcomed (not everyone wants silence)

These actions are often overlooked, often because time is moving so fast, but they’re vital. They preserve dignity and give the family a way to love and care for their person. So often people can feel helpless right now or nervous or afraid. Every sensory input matters: smell, sound, light, touch.

Support the Emotional and Spiritual Atmosphere

Sometimes, the mood is peaceful and the family naturally flow with what is happening. But sometimes vigil time can be emotionally raw. People in the room may be anxious, grieving, distracted, or shut down. Sometimes it can be a little chaotic. Your role is to help create an atmosphere of stillness, love, and intention.

You can offer:

  • Quiet check-ins with various people: “How are you doing right now?”
  • Silent presence: Just sit and breathe with them
  • Encouragement to pause: “Would you like to light a candle together?”
  • Ideas for gentle ritual: Playing a song, reading a letter, blessing the space

You are not there to fix or direct. You are there to reflect the family’s wisdom and wishes, gently holding space. If someone in the family says something that sparks an idea—”She loved sunflowers”—offer a suggestion: “Would it feel meaningful to bring one to the bedside?”

“You don’t have to say the right thing. You just have to be the calm in the room.”

And watch for emotional undercurrents too. Maybe a grandchild is quiet in the corner. Or the spouse insists they’re fine, but they keep fidgeting. Offer your presence. Trust your instinct on where you might linger.

Be a Grounded Guide, Not the Centerpiece

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned: don’t make yourself the star of the moment. We may not even realize we are wearing our ‘superman’ cape. But it is up to us to stay aware of ourselves while we are here and not to respond to situations in ‘auto-pilot.’ Keep yourself in check.

Your job is to support, not lead—unless you are clearly invited to. Many families carry deep ancestral wisdom around dying. Let them express it. Empower their rituals. Offer structure only if they want it.

That said, have a few gentle ideas ready. Sometimes families want you to help create something. Here are a few possibilities:

  • Lighting a candle each evening to gather people in spirit who may not be able to be present
  • Singing or playing the dying person’s favorite songs
  • Holding hands silently
  • Creating a bedside altar or alter in the community area with special items.
  • Coordinating a long-distance moment of prayer with others

Best Things to Bring to Vigil:

  • Presence
  • Calm
  • Curiosity
  • Intention to pause before speaking
  • Listening ears
  • Loving hands

Finally, prepare yourself before you enter the space. Take a few minutes of quiet time. Sit in the car, get yourself together. If you are on the verge of tears, get them out of the way. Don’t burst into the room crying–that rarely ever helps. Get centered however you do. You’ll be able to hear more clearly what’s needed when you’re grounded and connected to your own heart. Make a deal with yourself that you will soothe yourself when you leave but for now, your attention is devoted to them.

A Real Moment at the Bedside

I remember one family I supported whose loved one had declined quickly after a long illness. Hospice had come earlier that day, and the nurse had gently gone over what to expect—but the reality hit much harder than they thought. When I arrived, I could see they were overwhelmed. They were trying to follow what they remembered, but the breathing sounds frightened them, and they kept asking, “Is this normal? Are we doing this right?”

They were doubting every move. Everyone looked exhausted and tense.

As I stepped into the room, I didn’t rush. I simply took a breath and moved quietly. I wasn’t alarmed by the changes they were hearing. I sat beside the bed, then helped with mouth care slowly, calmly. The energy shifted. One by one, the family members began to match my pace. They softened. They breathed deeper.

The adult daughter looked up at me and said, “It’s different now that you’re here. It doesn’t feel so scary.” But what I did was simple—I helped them trust themselves again. I stood beside them as they cared for their person, reassuring through presence, not words.

That’s what we bring. A steady, grounded presence that helps people pull from deep within themselves, to a place they may have never accessed before (if they want to). We are a holder of peace and quiet so they can move with the energy between their person and each other. Sometimes a family just needs a stabilizing energy.

Closing Words

So what are the best things to do at the bedside during the dying time?

Be present. Be steady. Clean their person’s mouth (their breath smells are one of the most important things people remember). Brush their hair. Light a candle. Offer a song. Listen to the unspoken. Trust your discernment.

These small, deeply human actions are what families remember. They’re what bring peace. They’re what help transform fear into connection, chaos into meaning.